Let Me Count The Ways

 Anniversary #43, and the fourth anniversary I'm celebrating alone. The passing of time does make a difference. The gut wrenching stabs of grief only happen every now and then. I find that I now look at your picture and smile instead of  immediate tears. And I read that someone said instead of saying how long it's been since you've seen someone who has passed, say that amount of time is how much closer you are to seeing them again.

You might think the title is about the ways I love you, but it's really about the ways I miss you.

I miss the many times you said, "if anything ever happens to me I want you to know I've been happy." I  could never have imagined how thankful I would be for those fourteen words and precious memories they often bring to mind.

I miss our many, many road trips between Virginia and Arkansas and then on to Texas or Colorado. Each trip was an adventure leading us to something special, maybe a new baby born into the family, a graduation, a wedding, a dance recital, a football or basketball game, a family reunion, a family birthday or simply a visit. We were together for many hours, singing, working cross word puzzles or talking about the future. What I miss most are the moments when you were focused on driving and would reach across and take my hand, no words, just a quick gaze that said everything..

I miss going with you to Lowes or Home Depot, and while you looked for something boring like tools, lumber, and nails, I would browse the aisles full of home decor. When I became bored and wanted to leave I would walk across the front of the store looking down each aisle searching for you. After many years of marriage my heart still skipped a beat when I saw you. It took two years after you left before I could go in either store without feeling that if I looked hard enough I would find you..

I miss hearing your key in the door and you immediately calling my name.

I miss seeing your name appear numerous times on my phone when you went to the store. You called on your way there, while you were in the store, when you were almost to the check-out and on your way home. Just to be sure I hadn't forgotten something.

I miss our favorite time...Saturday mornings. Those were our favorite hours, being lazy, still in pajamas, drinking coffee, you in your recliner and me on my spot on the couch, talking about anything and everything. I miss you so on Saturday mornings.

I miss your calm take on situations that would have me so upset. "We'll get there," you would say and I would roll my eyes, even though hearing those words would somehow always make things better. 

I miss your jokes, but the rest of the family does too.  It is always sweet to hear one of the grandkids say, "that was a Papaw joke."

I miss waking up in the morning after you had been up for awhile and when I came into the kitchen with bed hair and looking like I had been in a fight somewhere, you would always say, "I woke up this morning next to the most gorgeous woman in the world," and again I would roll my eyes, but also smile. I know there isn't one other person in the world that would say that to me, but it was so special because I was that woman to you. Precious husband.

I miss all these things and a thousand more. I miss you, your presence in my life that made me feel so safe, and I didn't really even realize that until you were gone. 

I miss our young years together that were so hard as we blended two families into one.

I miss our military years and watching you  graduate from OCS at Ft. Benning to your final promotion of  Lt. Colonel. You were an excellent soldier and you served this country so well. Though the months you were away were difficult I was always so proud of you.

Though I miss you in every imaginable way I never fail to thank God for you, the time you spent on this earth and that you chose me. How blessed I feel to have shared almost forty years with you.

I'm one thousand, three hundred and thirty five days or thirty two thousand and forty hours away from seeing you again.

You ask how long I'll love you, I'll tell you true, Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.